you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
