oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
