Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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