Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
