i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
don't judge my taste in strippers
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
