epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I am one with the molecules
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
