Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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