I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
