it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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