i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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