he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
