my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
