Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
They are going to name an STD after you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I need a beard to bite.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
