VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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