she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
