So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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