I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
