did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i think i just lost a toe
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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