just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
