I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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