it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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