dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
