Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
stop calling my apartment porn island.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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