so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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