hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
