I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
