did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
