There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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