I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
