I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
