The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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