I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
