1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Ketchup is God's man juice
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
