.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
