my vag is so smooth its legendary
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
