Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
