FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
