so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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