I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Its about making memories worth repressing
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
