My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
