The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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