If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
