I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Sext me about skeletons
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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