I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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