I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
