So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
