From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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