my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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