I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
