Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
