There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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